Reconstructing my faith (A Blind Follower)

 I was a blind follower. What I needed was acceptance and affirmation and that's what I was given. I would consider some of the actions of my previous church/community as weird or wrong, but would just assume that I was the one that was weird or wrong. 

We met three times a week. Those who were really committed did at least. I remember it taking me about 6 months to fully commit and there was a lot of different pressures. The structure of the church was so: you attend a small intimate meeting with 20-30 members in a home, and then you attend a large meeting at a facility, and then if you truly wanted to be integrated you attended a same-sex meeting at the end of the week, typically Friday nights. Each meeting started at 8pm. But one integral part of the church was discipleship. In order to be truly committed to the church you needed to be discipled and more importantly you needed to disciple.

I was considered "free game" because a boy brought me out and a girl was appointed by the leaders to "pick up on me" once I stuck around for a while. She began to initiate hanging out with me. I had little idea what our relationship would turn into, but she asserted herself as a leader and more mature believer pretty early on- I respected that. I was a blind follower because I wanted her to like me and think that I was spiritual. I was a blind follower because I was insecure and needed affirmation. I didn't see that she was young, very young, and not that much farther along on her faith journey. I didn't see that she had sin issues and unhealthy relational patterns. Just like me. 

So I followed her, I had no boundaries. I shared everything, sought advice on nearly everything and took her word as truth.

Now I am not saying that she is the problem. She is a part of the problem, but I take full responsibility for being a blind follower. That is something I regret and hope to never fall into again. 

This discipleship system is what I think is a big problem for creating trauma. I do not use that word lightly. I am sitting here typing this because it's been three years since I left and I still find myself thinking "what in the world happened?" and going to therapy.

I felt like this church, at the time I truly committed, was going to change me and make me a better person. So I did all the things, attended all the things, and only saying "yes" to anyone who asked a favor. In the beginning I felt that people loved me and truly liked who I was. I got more attention than I ever had and I love attention. Positive attention. 

But then the more normal my attendance became the more pressure to take more and more steps to really show that I was committed to the church and it's process of discipleship. I was told that I should go and make my own disciple, that this was the way that I would please God. In reality, it was the way the church would grow the fastest. 

I did care though. I cared an immense amount for what the Bible says about going out and making disciples in Matthew 28. I read that verse and said of course this church is doing exactly that, but I did not take it a step further and truly consider if this church was in the business of gaining true converts or simply growing as fast as they possibly can. 

For me now, it makes perfect sense. I was a nearly ideal candidate for a church that is looking to grow as quick as possible. I was vulnerable and I had some traumatic experience that created this void of confidence and true sense of self.

I was already a Christian which didn't make me the perfect candidate. The perfect candidate for this church was someone who desperately needed friends, with little sense of self or confidence, and who knew almost nothing about God or the Bible. 

Once they would attend a meeting, they would be blown away by the attention and immediate acceptance that they couldn't turn it down and go back to the dark, lonely life they had. Whether or not their conversions are true, it is not something I have the authority to speak on. God knows who truly believes.