Reconstructing my faith

It has taken me a very long time to sit down and begin to write. To be honest, I am blogging because my storage is full on google docs. 

I remember turning twenty. I had just met a ton of new friends and reignited my passion for following Christ. 

The previous year, my nineteenth was one of the hardest of my life. I was sad and I felt very alone. I was ashamed of myself and who I was. I wanted my old friendships but some I could not have and others were busy traveling or getting married. I attended community college and failed miserably at making new friends. 

I wasn't attending a church regularly since I worked in the dining room at an assisted living home Sunday mornings. 

I was in a strange place in my life at nineteen. 

I missed community and knew I wanted to learn more about God. I desired to sharpen my knowledge of the bible. I also had a passion for sharing my faith and tried to challenge myself to be more "out there" instead of constantly in my head. 

One day, I get invited out to a bible study on OSU campus. I was apprehensive. I was not sure if the person who invited me was even normal or good. BUT I wanted to try something new.

And there I was, at a college bible study meeting. I was around people my age, who were all extremely welcoming, fun, and interested in me. 

Looking back I can see very clearly that I was yearning for affirmation and acceptance because I was truly ashamed of who I was. The reason is a long story.

I was sold from the very first meeting. 

I didn't really think about it. I just kept going. It was Thursday night, then another Monday night, and then another Friday night. 

I had my first boyfriend and felt like I was really living my best life.

I didn't realize I was distracting myself from truly healing from my shame and deep sadness and grief.

I didn't realize that I was giving many people authority over my life. 

I didn't realize this until 9 years later.