Reconstruction

 I was all alone and stuck.  Going to Iowa for the summers was normal growing up. I remember my brother and sisters being gone for months at a time visiting our family. My dad and mom both had parents living in Iowa, so we would stay with each of them during our summer breaks. At age twelve, I was sent off to visit for about 2 months. I have vivid memories of feeling excited to visit my grandma on the farm and assumed that I would spend about half of my time there, I believe this was also communicated to me. I don't have very many clear memories of those 2 months, though, mostly because I was under a lot of emotion stress or more likely distress.  My other grandma took me first. I was looking forward to seeing the cousins my age that lived in the same town. Other than that, my grandma was someone who easily caused me to feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I had to be very careful about what I said and make sure to affirm her as much as I could. I knew there was something wrong with her,

 I was young and impressionable. I was longing for belonging and acceptance. I was insecure and hurt. I was without shape and form and truly just becoming something/someone. I was thrust into a world of affirmation, social interactions, and what felt like love. I was unsure and scared, but addicted to the risks I felt I was taking.  I was addicted to the idea of having a mission and never being alone on that mission. I thought I was in love with someone who did not love me. Rather was pushing. Pushing me to become a member of this group, so that he would not feel guilty for leading me on and looking as if he was interesting in someone outside of the group. I should have known. It did take me 6 months to fully commit. But why didn't I turn away? I was being led by people that seemed kind, genuinely interested in me, and happy. And then I was in it. I was in it, fully incorporated to the group.  I was uncomfortable, but I thought I was supposed to be.  The years all blur together bec