Time with Grandma

 I was all alone and stuck. 

Going to Iowa for the summers was normal growing up. I remember my brother and sisters being gone for months at a time visiting our family. My dad and mom both had parents living in Iowa, so we would stay with each of them during our summer breaks.

At age twelve, I was sent off to visit for about 2 months. I have vivid memories of feeling excited to visit my grandma on the farm and assumed that I would spend about half of my time there, I believe this was also communicated to me.

I don't have very many clear memories of those 2 months, though, mostly because I was under a lot of emotion stress or more likely distress. 

My other grandma took me first. I was looking forward to seeing the cousins my age that lived in the same town. Other than that, my grandma was someone who easily caused me to feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I had to be very careful about what I said and make sure to affirm her as much as I could. I knew there was something wrong with her, but I also knew that the way she was was the way she had always been. I had very little choice on what I did, where I stayed, and especially how long I stayed with her.

I see now, she had it in her mind, that I would be her companion. She always needed someone around her and I was the likely subject since I was alone without my parents and unable to reach anyone without her knowing. I could not get out of my new role. 

I would ask to see my cousins and she would say that my aunt is a bad person who would just use me to get back at her. She specifically told me that my aunt did not love me, she just wanted to spend time with me to make my grandma jealous. 

She would wake up and leave without letting me know. I would wake up and be all alone, with no knowledge of what I was doing that day. She had an office attached, so I would ask her secretary "where is my grandma" and she would say she left to get breakfast, which meant, I had missed my first meal. This would happen, again and again. 

I was always supposed to take baths in her special soap. She even made me brush my teeth with it.

Each week I would quietly and gingerly ask about when I would see my grandma on the farm. She would brush it off, and then accuse me of loving my other grandma more. I would not push it, but as the weeks went slowly by, I began to get more and more sad. Would I ever spend time with my grandma on the farm?

The time came 6 weeks later.

I spent about a week with my grandma on the farm. It was much too short.