Autonomy, Integration, Trusting

 I met with my counselor today.

We discuss autonomy, integration, and trusting that God knows me perfectly.

I brought up that I had lacked a sense of self, or autonomy, for most of my life. I was ok with it and quite comfortable to be apart of my family and to be told who I was for most of my childhood. It makes sense that I joined in church communities that, rather than celebrating individuality, encouraged conforming to the various systems in order to be truly wanted. 

I also brought up that I recently scrolled through my old photos and saw how genuinely happy I was in the past in my old church. I had so many sweet friends and endless experiences. Late night pizza runs, early morning discussions about our dates the night before, praying for and with my friends in desperate times, and laughing till I cried with people that I truly loved and at the time trusted the most.

I painted my past in a very dark light, in order to move forward and break the ties that I believe needed to be broken to grow and heal.

But now I can integrate my past into my present. 

I can say that I was happy to be around my peers and I was doing some good in that church. 

I can also say that the church encouraged borderline abusive discipleship relationships to gain power and ultimately control over vulnerable people. 

It is difficult but it is reality.

I want to be able to love people again. All that to say.

I want to be able to love a friend again in the ways I was so used to loving people. Listening to them, considering their needs, being patient with growth, and praying for healing. 

I am loving my kids and I find that to be the utmost fulfilling role God has given me. 

Yet, I know He knows my desires and my deep need to be a friend. 

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