To a Friend

Being friends for nearly a decade, I cannot pin point exactly what went wrong... for me. I know that it begun even before I got married and had kids. I began to get older and struggle with my identity. Graduating and wanting to find a job I loved and wanting to find a person I loved and get married. That's what I longed for in my mid-twenties. Yet, there was this whole other side of desires. These desires were ones that were at the top of my priorities. 

The desire to be successful in my church community. To share the gospel and see people in my life surrender their lives to Christ. To make disciples and teach them about God. To be a loyal friend to my roommates and a reliable person to those leading me. I am sure there's more. 

Yet, I can see now that I was being stretched beyond what was healthy. I would work full-time, come home, be as intentional as possible, go to meetings, and stay up past midnight. I would go to work trying to be a witness. It was always on my mind to be inviting and sharing the gospel. I am glad I did share the gospel frequently. I believe God grew me and can use my actions. 

Yet, I think my struggle with my identity was becoming more problematic. After several years in this high commitment church, I only saw myself as a member, a limb, a brick, or a soldier. But I did not see myself as an individual. 

I was constantly sleep deprived and constantly in a state of giving, giving, giving. 

I did not say no enough. 

And that is where you come in- A friend to me, someone who sacrificed a lot of time and energy. Someone who was there for me through many important times of my life, especially my marriage. You taught me a ton and challenged me in many positive ways. I always knew that you cared about me and wanted to support me through my biggest challenges in my life. 

I am not angry with you or hateful towards the church. In many ways I am very grateful. 

You have initiated a lot with me over the past four years, but I felt our time was not indicative of a deep, lifelong friendship. It felt many times that we were going on own separate ways. I could not shake the feeling that maybe I needed to take a break from our relationship, one that I can see now that I steeped some of my identity into. 

It's difficult because I want to honor our friendship and have peace about it, but I may need some time. 

-

Olivia 


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