Reconstruction

 I met with my counselor today. We discuss autonomy, integration, and trusting that God knows me perfectly. I brought up that I had lacked a sense of self, or autonomy, for most of my life. I was ok with it and quite comfortable to be apart of my family and to be told who I was for most of my childhood. It makes sense that I joined in church communities that, rather than celebrating individuality, encouraged conforming to the various systems in order to be truly wanted.  I also brought up that I recently scrolled through my old photos and saw how genuinely happy I was in the past in my old church. I had so many sweet friends and endless experiences. Late night pizza runs, early morning discussions about our dates the night before, praying for and with my friends in desperate times, and laughing till I cried with people that I truly loved and at the time trusted the most. I painted my past in a very dark light, in order to move forward and break the ties that I believe needed to be brok

 I was all alone and stuck.  Going to Iowa for the summers was normal growing up. I remember my brother and sisters being gone for months at a time visiting our family. My dad and mom both had parents living in Iowa, so we would stay with each of them during our summer breaks. At age twelve, I was sent off to visit for about 2 months. I have vivid memories of feeling excited to visit my grandma on the farm and assumed that I would spend about half of my time there, I believe this was also communicated to me. I don't have very many clear memories of those 2 months, though, mostly because I was under a lot of emotion stress or more likely distress.  My other grandma took me first. I was looking forward to seeing the cousins my age that lived in the same town. Other than that, my grandma was someone who easily caused me to feel uncomfortable and uneasy. I had to be very careful about what I said and make sure to affirm her as much as I could. I knew there was something wrong with her,

 I was young and impressionable. I was longing for belonging and acceptance. I was insecure and hurt. I was without shape and form and truly just becoming something/someone. I was thrust into a world of affirmation, social interactions, and what felt like love. I was unsure and scared, but addicted to the risks I felt I was taking.  I was addicted to the idea of having a mission and never being alone on that mission. I thought I was in love with someone who did not love me. Rather was pushing. Pushing me to become a member of this group, so that he would not feel guilty for leading me on and looking as if he was interesting in someone outside of the group. I should have known. It did take me 6 months to fully commit. But why didn't I turn away? I was being led by people that seemed kind, genuinely interested in me, and happy. And then I was in it. I was in it, fully incorporated to the group.  I was uncomfortable, but I thought I was supposed to be.  The years all blur together bec

Ministry houses. Like I said, I loved living with a bunch of like-minded people. They were my best friends and the people with whom I spent the most time.  The problems were/are... 1) Very little boundaries.  2) Very little ownership. 3) Too much interdependence, creating lack of self. I could go on and on. The reason why I am blogging is to simply sort the many thoughts and opinions I have. This will most likely help no one but myself.  Let's start with boundaries.  You're encouraged to share everything with your roommates and women in your bible study and in a timely manner. Especially your discipler and especially if its sin related. In ministry houses this can feel and be tricky. What if a new girl moves in you've never met before, or if you simply don't feel comfortable with a roommate.  It didn't matter. Why? Because you should be secure in your relationship with God. Because you need to be accountable for your issues and sins so that nothing is hidden.  The i

 The weird things I mentioned previously concerning my time in my previous church, have me still concerned. First, these things have not changed at all since I've left even amidst major criticism. Second, there are still many people I care about deeply invested in the church. I want to discuss what I think is the most controversial issue. Ministry houses.  A network of homes leased by college students or young adults who are in active ministry. Not anyone can move it, it is for those who are committed to attending the meetings, discipleship, and abstaining from worldly pleasures. I believe that when you are young it can be extremely beneficial to move out and live with roommates. It can be a very teachable time and helpful for learning life skills, especially if you go on to get married and have children.  I believe that many people who have lived in ministry houses have benefitted from them. I did. I learned how to live with many different types of people. I learned a lot about pa

 I was a blind follower. What I needed was acceptance and affirmation and that's what I was given. I would consider some of the actions of my previous church/community as weird or wrong, but would just assume that I was the one that was weird or wrong.  We met three times a week. Those who were really committed did at least. I remember it taking me about 6 months to fully commit and there was a lot of different pressures. The structure of the church was so: you attend a small intimate meeting with 20-30 members in a home, and then you attend a large meeting at a facility, and then if you truly wanted to be integrated you attended a same-sex meeting at the end of the week, typically Friday nights. Each meeting started at 8pm. But one integral part of the church was discipleship. In order to be truly committed to the church you needed to be discipled and more importantly you needed to disciple. I was considered "free game" because a boy brought me out and a girl was appoint